I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
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