a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Randomize
