It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
