bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
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