If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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