Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
