Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
