why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
tequila makes me forget i have legs
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
RA just said I set the all time record for a student who lost houseing..30min..I was moveing out while my new roomate was moveing in. know of any off campous places to stay??
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
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