sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Randomize
