i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
This is my gift to your gina
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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