You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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