cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
