I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
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