Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
You're like the curious george of whores
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
