If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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