She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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