So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
