Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
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Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
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proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
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