I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Randomize
