So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I can't put those talents on a resume
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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