I'm gonna have a badass scar
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
