thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
you will always have a special place in my vag
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
