well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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