My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
19 Confessions From A Dude With A Micropenis
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
17 Exes Admit Why They Were Crazy In Their Past Relationship
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower