You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
23 Millennials Confess The Things They Wish They Weren’t Attracted To
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
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He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox