we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?