i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.