i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
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You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
16 People Who Have Raised The Bar For Petty Revenge
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!