I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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