did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Randomize
