im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
