he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
