JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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