Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
