We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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