oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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