Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Randomize
