He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
