it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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