Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
