literally had 100 drinks last night.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
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new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
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What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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