paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
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We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
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Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize