note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
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