You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Need sex. Gaining weight.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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