I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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