Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
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