A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
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Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
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Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
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