if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
