Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
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