My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Randomize
