Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Even my vagina gasped.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
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