he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
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