i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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