I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Randomize
