question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
There r osticjed everywhere
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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