There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.