is your mom at the bar?
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk