dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
You're a waste of cheezeits
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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